1
00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:06,772
Ha. Ha. Ha.
2
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,245
I can see myself in this
coffee pot, can I go now?
3
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:15,948
Not until you can see
yourself in the silverware.
4
00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:19,785
Who's coming to dinner?
The smudge police?
5
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,653
They're my college roommates.
6
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,689
I know, I know.
7
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,091
Rent a sense of humor, will ya?
8
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:29,028
ALF, I only have these people
over once every four years
9
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,797
and I don't like you
ridiculing my efforts.
10
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,732
Fine, from now on
11
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,168
I'll be a "Yes" alien.
12
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:37,202
[knocking on door]
13
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,871
Coming!
14
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,306
(Willie)
'Hurry up, Kate,
we got groceries.'
15
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,908
We can't let you in.
16
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,244
We just polished the doorknob.
17
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:46,278
ALF!
18
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,384
Wow! Look at that sign!
19
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,919
What sign?
20
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:54,953
Ah-h!
21
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,223
(Kate)
'ALF?'
22
00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:01,560
What?
23
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,763
[theme music]
24
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,793
[music continues]
25
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,792
[instrumental music]
26
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,964
When? How?
27
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,666
Why did you do this?
28
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,301
Half an hour ago.
29
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,436
Crayon.
30
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,304
Seemed like a good idea.
31
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,343
Well, it's not coming off.
32
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,712
Maybe they won't notice.
33
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,013
They won't notice..
34
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,949
...because they won't
be coming here.
35
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,985
If I were the paranoid type
36
00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,254
I'd think this had
something to do with me.
37
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,958
Hello, Betty?
Uh, listen, it's Kate.
38
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,862
Um, uh, I'm afraid we can't
get together here tonight.
39
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:47,266
Uh, my decorator got
a little carried away.
40
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,870
No, no, no, no,
I still wanna get together.
41
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,373
Uh, how about if we
meet...on campus
42
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,308
at the Summa Cum Lately?
43
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,442
Yeah, it's still there.
44
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,111
I here it's Cajun now.
45
00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,546
Same time would be great.
46
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:03,448
Listen, will you call Maura?
I'll call Sylvia.
47
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,517
Okay. Yeah. Well, see you then.
48
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,052
Bye-bye.
49
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,555
Best we can do is
to paint over it.
50
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,356
You're gonna cover that up?
51
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,892
That's like covering
up a Rembrandt
52
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,094
or a Winchell's billboard.
53
00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:19,431
We're painting over it.
54
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:22,801
I think I got some more
of that beige in the garage.
55
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,404
Beige? Now there's
a commitment to color.
56
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,173
It'll be beige, ALF.
57
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,409
And if you interfere in any way
58
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,145
you maybe hearing the buzz
of a Lady Remington.
59
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:39,218
[instrumental music]
60
00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:40,852
(female
'Waiter,
could I have a margarita?'
61
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:41,954
(female
'Make that a pitcher.'
62
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:43,922
(waiter)
'Coming right up!'
63
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,425
Now, tell me what
have you guys been up to?
64
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,493
Well, we haven't been
trying cases
65
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:51,029
before the state supreme
court like some people.
66
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,464
Yeah, congratulations.
67
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,799
Next thing you know
you'll be confirmed
68
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,000
as Chief Justice.
69
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,835
Not a chance. I smoked marijuana
70
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:58,237
once during the sixties.
71
00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,338
[laughing]
72
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,506
Now, tell me what
have you been up to?
73
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:04,776
Same old thing. I'm still
selling houses on the Westside.
74
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,145
Yeah, yeah.
Number one in sales again.
75
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,715
They gave her a Cadilac
to match her blazer.
76
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,184
Yeah, but beige is
so non-committal.
77
00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:13,218
Oh.
78
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,953
I've heard that.
79
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,990
And what about you, Sylvia?
80
00:04:17,992 --> 00:04:20,525
Sold the card shop,
bought a stationary store.
81
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:21,994
Sold that, bought a paper mill.
82
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,062
Sold that, bought a forest.
83
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,898
That's fantastic!
84
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,735
- And what are you up to, Kate?
- Nothing.
85
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,137
Well, uh, no, not nothing.
86
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:34,339
I'm still a wife and mother.
87
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:37,209
I have to stay home
and watch the children.
88
00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,177
I thought Brian
was in school now.
89
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,681
He is. She means stay home
and watch all my children.
90
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,716
Well, a family of five..
91
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,218
...or, in my case, four
92
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,453
or any number for that matter..
93
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,555
...is quite a responsibility.
94
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,958
Boy, sometimes I wish
I'd gone that way.
95
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,827
The whole thing just
seems so alien to me.
96
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,896
Yeah, that's another thing.
97
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,599
You know, we have got to
get to the airport.
98
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:01,833
- Oh, I know.
- 'Oh.'
99
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,235
Look, what are the
chances of y'all
100
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:04,503
flying up to Portland next year?
101
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,937
- Slim.
- None.
102
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,706
Never mind. I'll come down.
103
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,074
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
104
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,109
- Bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
105
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,045
I can't believe it,
I missed the whole party.
106
00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,846
- Bye, sweetie.
- See you later.
107
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,048
- So short!
- Once a year.
108
00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:18,083
It's like two minutes.
109
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,251
- See you next year.
- See you, guys.
110
00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,186
- Yeah, next year.
- Next year.
111
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,122
Oh.
112
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,757
Maura, I-I've got
to go in a minute too.
113
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,560
But, uh...I just
wanna tell you..
114
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,298
...how proud we are of you and..
115
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,568
...how much I respect
what you have accomplished.
116
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:41,139
[sobbing]
117
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,976
Gee, I meant that
as a compliment.
118
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,311
Oh, Kate.
119
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,747
Kate, I can't go home.
120
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,049
Well, honey, why?
What's happened?
121
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,685
John and I have had
a really terrible fight.
122
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,920
Oh.
123
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,323
Can I stay with you tonight?
124
00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,925
Uh...no.
125
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,462
Uh, you know what
126
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,464
no, I-I mean of course.
127
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,833
- You can stay...with me.
- Oh, thank you.
128
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:08,867
Uh..
129
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,335
Oh, l-look, l-let me make just a
130
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,938
real quick phone call, okay?
131
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,407
And, um, I'll be right back.
132
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,119
[telephone rings]
133
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,657
Hello.
134
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:35,460
Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
135
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,430
Go ahead, Willie.
I'll hold the brush.
136
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,967
Well, okay,
but don't paint with it.
137
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,668
I won't.
138
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,670
Um, don't eat it.
139
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,776
He didn't say not to lick it.
140
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:52,744
It's implied.
141
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,979
Rats!
142
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,115
Hello?
143
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,884
Oh, hi, honey, it's me.
144
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,285
Hi, Kate, what's the matter?
145
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,020
[sighs]
Uh, well, nothing really.
146
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,990
But I'm here with Maura and
she wants to spend the night.
147
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,158
(Willie)
'Here?'
148
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,260
Uh, yes, um..
149
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,095
Uh, she just had a
big fight with John
150
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,030
and she's very upset,
I'd like to help her out.
151
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,965
'But can we manage it?'
152
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,034
Well, the sign's almost covered.
153
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,303
'All we have to do
is hide the artist.'
154
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:24,276
Okay. We'll be home
in about, uh, 30 minutes.
155
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,178
She can sleep on the couch.
156
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,612
Well, that should be no problem.
157
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,681
(ALF)
Whoa!
158
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,715
(Brian)
ALF!
159
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,522
How would she feel about
sleeping on the floor?
160
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,159
Oh.
161
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:45,397
Well, at least
I didn't get any on me.
162
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,268
[instrumental music]
163
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,544
Works for me.
164
00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:03,148
Thank you for the ALF
housekeeping seal of approval.
165
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,184
I'll be going to the garage now.
166
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,053
No, you won't.
167
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:10,522
I won't be going
to the garage now.
168
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,991
Where will I be going?
169
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,461
You will be sleeping
in Brian's room tonight.
170
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,030
I don't wanna sleep
in Brian's room.
171
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,399
His Smurf clock offends me.
172
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,173
You will be sleeping
in Brian's room.
173
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,142
I will be sleeping Brian's room.
174
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,545
Even though his
Smurf clock offends me.
175
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,383
(Kate)
'Well here we are Maura.'
176
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,885
ALF.
177
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,353
I'll be in Brian's room
178
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:44,155
along with that
grinning blue idiot.
179
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,959
I'll just, uh, open the lock
180
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,695
and...in we go.
181
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,231
Fine, Kate. Go ahead.
Whatever you say, I'm ready.
182
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,233
- Hi!
- Hi, Willie.
183
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,402
- Hi, Maura.
- Willie.
184
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,970
Hi, it's so nice to see you.
185
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,806
Welcome to our humble abode.
186
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,675
Thanks for taking me in.
187
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,844
Oh, I hope this isn't
an inconvenience.
188
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:10,081
No, not at all. Well, I hope you
don't mind sleeping on a bed.
189
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,349
[chuckles]
190
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,985
Uh, normally,
there's a couch there
191
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,521
but, um...we're
having it cleaned.
192
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,690
And burned!
193
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,760
Well, listen, I'm just
really glad to be here.
194
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,828
Uh, I'll go
get an extra blanket.
195
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,297
Thanks, honey.
196
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,100
So would you like to call John
197
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,335
let him know you're alright?
198
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,537
What, and ruin his evening?
199
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:36,107
Why don't I make us some tea?
200
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,009
Oh, Lynnie,
you know Mrs. Norris.
201
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,711
Of course, how are you?
202
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,581
Lynnie! I don't believe it.
203
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,349
Oh, is this that same
little girl that
204
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,151
used to drool
on my law books?
205
00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,586
Well, I've developed a greater
206
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:49,454
respect for the law since then.
207
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:52,223
And since I read your
arguments in People v. Fusco.
208
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,092
You actually read
those arguments?
209
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,360
Oh, sure!
210
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,895
Maura, what do you
take in your tea?
211
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,263
Usually bourbon.
212
00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,531
Ha ha ha.
213
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,835
[instrumental music]
214
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:12,844
Hi!
215
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,180
Uh-oh!
216
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,351
Nice try though.
217
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:20,986
Huh?
218
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,855
Oh, come on, Sammy.
219
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,024
Did you honestly think
that you could fool me
220
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,792
with that silly disguise?
221
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,094
Sammy?
222
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,862
Sammy who?
223
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,797
What do you mean Sammy who?
224
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,265
Sammy you!
225
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:36,835
You know me?
226
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,903
Of course.
227
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,438
Now, quit fooling around.
228
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,841
Come over here, sit down,
have a drink.
229
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:46,478
Well, maybe a short one.
230
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,849
[instrumental music]
231
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,287
[instrumental music]
232
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,590
Now, you realize that I'm just
233
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,458
a figment of your imagination
234
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,628
and not an alien from
another planet, right?
235
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,664
Of course.
236
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,098
Just checking.
237
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,500
Well, gotta run!
238
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,735
I've got other dreams
to appear in.
239
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,337
Oh, knock it off, Sammy.
240
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,406
You're not going anywhere.
241
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:15,940
I'm not?
242
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:18,943
No, we've been through
all this before.
243
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,413
By the way,
that is the strangest
244
00:11:21,415 --> 00:11:23,481
I've ever seen you look.
245
00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:26,618
You should see me in a tank top.
246
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,221
This even beats
the time you showed up
247
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,590
as the dog in the cowboy suit.
248
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:37,562
How often do I show up?
249
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,531
You arrive during
the third margarita
250
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,733
and leave sometime
during the blackout.
251
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,803
Well, at least I'm consistent.
252
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,271
Yeah. Here.
253
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,274
Salud.
254
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,376
[sniffing]
255
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,445
Holy owned and operated!
256
00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:56,214
- What is this stuff?
- What do you mean what is it?
257
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,551
We've been drinking tequila
together for seven years.
258
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,486
Well, did I ever ask
what's in it?
259
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:05,356
No. You just always said that it
tastes better than it smells.
260
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,293
Well, let's hope so.
261
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,495
Well, at least
there's a worm in it.
262
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,734
[screeching]
263
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:18,603
[exhales]
264
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,839
- I was wrong.
- About what?
265
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:24,042
[gasps]
This tastes worse
than it smells.
266
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:28,046
[gasping]
267
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:33,718
[ALF groaning]
268
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,323
[thudding]
269
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,558
Willie, what's that?
270
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,393
Well, I don't, I don't know.
271
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,329
It sounds like..
272
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:47,031
...an alien groaning
and groping his way
273
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,534
along the walls of our hall.
274
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,603
That's what I thought.
275
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,539
[groaning]
Oh!
276
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,174
ALF, what are you doing?
277
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,208
[groaning]
278
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,878
Groaning and groping
279
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,081
and looking for a place
to do the Technicolor yawn.
280
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,585
What's the matter?
281
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,954
I've been poisoned, Willie.
282
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,422
Earth germs.
283
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,792
I saw it in
"War Of The Worlds."
284
00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:16,761
Before aliens can
destroy the planet..
285
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,963
...the Earth germs get 'em.
286
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,599
What are you talking about?
287
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:24,903
Well, my tongue feels hairy.
288
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:27,071
Your tongue is hairy.
289
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,406
What did you eat?
290
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,242
Just the usual, everything.
291
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,178
It's what I drank.
292
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,779
(Kate)
'What did you drink?'
293
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,981
I think they call it tequila.
294
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,518
ALF!
295
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,822
You have a hangover!
296
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,958
You shouldn't be drinking.
297
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,960
Hey, I'm over 21.
298
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:52,497
I'm over 221.
299
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,333
You got into the liquor cabinet?
300
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:59,237
No, Maura got into
the liquor cabinet.
301
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,706
You saw her? She saw you?
302
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:04,709
Yeah, yeah, now we're
seeing each other.
303
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,878
But I don't think
it's gonna work out.
304
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,880
She's a booze hag.
305
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,750
That is not true!
306
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,552
And I will not have
you or anyone else
307
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,120
insulting my friends that way.
308
00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:17,155
Do you hear me?
309
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:19,157
Oh, boy, do I!
310
00:14:22,596 --> 00:14:24,796
This isn't a criticism, Willie.
311
00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:27,098
But your wife's voice seems
312
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,001
unusually grating this morning.
313
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,739
I can't believe you
314
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,942
and Maura got drunk together.
315
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,178
Yeah.
316
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,446
And now she thinks I'm her
317
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,381
imaginary drinking buddy.
318
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,551
Who appears after she's
had half of fifth.
319
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,052
Which must be a tenth.
320
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,788
Ow, ow, math hurts.
321
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,292
Drinking..
322
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,027
...it's not good.
323
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,729
Well, tell me about it.
324
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,565
I'm off the sauce forever.
325
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,601
It's that hooch-monger
you have to worry about.
326
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:08,206
Will you stop
insulting Kate's friend?
327
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,975
Well, what would you call her?
328
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:14,145
Her name is Maura.
It's always been Maura.
329
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,547
Except in college
when we called her..
330
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,751
...boilermaker.
331
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,621
She played ball for Purdue?
332
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,592
[sighs]
333
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,929
She drank 14 boilermakers
in one night.
334
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,033
I guess we thought that
was funny at the time.
335
00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,670
ALF.
336
00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:40,905
I would like to apologize
for losing my temper
337
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:44,742
if you will apologize to me
for what you said about Maura.
338
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:48,746
Apology accepted and given.
339
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:51,149
Now, if you'll excuse me
340
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,952
I have to drive
the porcelain bus.
341
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,119
[retching]
342
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,558
Is he really that hung over?
343
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,793
[ALF retching]
344
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,564
Apparently.
345
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,233
Uh, maybe we ought to go
346
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,769
see what sort of shape
Boilermaker is in.
347
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:15,106
I-I mean Maura.
What shape Maura is in.
348
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,242
Boilermaker?
Did you say "Boilermaker?"
349
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:21,379
Yeah, that's what
we called her in college.
350
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,581
[ALF retching]
351
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,251
Why did you call her that?
352
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:31,022
Because she drank too much.
353
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:34,492
And let's face it, Kate,
she still does.
354
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,396
You mean you think that
she's an alcoholic?
355
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,631
I don't know, um..
356
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,834
...I think you
should talk to her.
357
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:46,571
But, honey, she's so successful
and motivated and--
358
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,805
Miserable.
359
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,675
Yeah.
360
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,210
[ALF retching]
361
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,780
(ALF)
'I don't remember eating that.'
362
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,982
[instrumental music]
363
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:00,952
So what's the main attribute
364
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,454
for a lawyer facing
the Supreme court?
365
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,690
A lack of ethics.
366
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,191
And shiny shoes.
367
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:08,326
[laughs]
368
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:11,796
I'm sorry. It's a little
too early to talk shop.
369
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:14,699
Well, maybe a little Lynnie.
370
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,100
How early is it anyway?
371
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,702
Mmm, 7:30.
372
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,504
[groaning]
Oh.
373
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:20,571
- Hi, guys.
- Good morning, Maura.
374
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,040
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
375
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,941
Oh, dad, could you
drop me off at school?
376
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:25,877
- Julie's car broke.
- What do you mean broke?
377
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,979
You mean she got a flat tire?
378
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:30,982
No, dad. One of the flange
gaskets is leaking gas
379
00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:33,518
onto the intake manifold.
380
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,353
I stand corrected.
381
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,789
We-we'll be on our way
just as soon as I, uh..
382
00:17:37,791 --> 00:17:39,424
...finish my screwdriv--
383
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,292
I mean my orange juice.
384
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,595
Would you like some
breakfast, Maura?
385
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,631
Oh, thanks, Kate, I'm having it.
386
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,800
How about some tomato juice?
387
00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:50,735
Plain tomato juice?
388
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,037
Yeah.
389
00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,072
Pass.
390
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,679
We got to go, Lynn, um..
391
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,714
Great to see you again, Maura.
392
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,049
- Thanks, Willie.
- Gosh!
393
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:07,118
I hope everything
works out for you.
394
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,419
Okay.
395
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,054
Goodbye, Mrs. Norris.
396
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,656
It was so great seeing you.
397
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:12,957
Oh, same here, Lynnie.
398
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,259
Oh, I have so much
respect for you
399
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:18,162
and I would really like
to be like you someday.
400
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,765
[sobbing]
401
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,266
- What's wrong? What'd I say?
- It's okay.
402
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,669
- No, it's nothing.
- Is she okay?
403
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,805
Oh.
404
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,276
Rough night last night, huh?
405
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,278
Oh, no rougher than usual.
406
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,749
You mean nothing
strange happened?
407
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:40,852
Uh, you-you slept okay?
408
00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,053
I mean you didn't, uh
409
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:43,921
hear anything or see anything?
410
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,289
What are you getting at, Kate?
411
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,758
Nothing. I just wondered.
412
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,727
Yeah-uh, if you slept okay?
413
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,796
Fine, I slept fine.
414
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,334
Maura, I-I..
415
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,736
...I don't know exactly
how to say this, but..
416
00:18:59,873 --> 00:19:02,273
...are you aware of
how much you drink?
417
00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:06,344
Well, I drink, but
no more than anybody else.
418
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,112
I can certainly handle it.
419
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,714
I'm not so sure about that.
420
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:14,285
I think that you might have
a little problem with this.
421
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,954
[chuckles]
Oh, Kate.
422
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:19,123
Kate, I had a huge
fight with my husband.
423
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,425
I'm under a lot of
pressure at the firm.
424
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,027
'It helps me relax, that's all.'
425
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,762
'I don't have
a drinking problem.'
426
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:26,731
Look, Kate, I had a
few drinks last night
427
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,466
because I was happy
to see everybody.
428
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,868
I had one or two more here
before I went to bed
429
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,037
but that was it!
430
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,972
[mimicking buzzer]
Wrong!
431
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,008
Sammy!
432
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,976
Kate, do you see--
433
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,412
She can't see or hear me, Maura.
434
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,414
Only you can.
435
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,950
I'm your drinking pal, remember?
436
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,922
See what, Maura?
I don't see anything.
437
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,792
There's a little
guy...right there?
438
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,361
Yeah, go ahead, describe me.
439
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,696
And while you're at it
440
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,165
tell her about the
dog in the cowboy suit.
441
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,503
Kate, there's this little man
that I see sometimes
442
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:06,871
when I dream, but..
443
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,440
...I've never seen
him in the morning.
444
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,210
Well, I usually sleep in.
445
00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:15,580
Is this someone you see
after you've been drinking?
446
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,882
Yes. Sometimes, but..
447
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,018
Oh, well, it really doesn't
happen that often.
448
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,120
I'll bet Kate's gonna ask you
449
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,656
how long you've been seeing me.
450
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,891
[fake coughs]
451
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,026
Uh..
452
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,629
How long has this been going on?
453
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,664
Oh, a couple of weeks maybe.
454
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,132
How long?
455
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,568
A year.
456
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,903
One year?
457
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,072
Two or three years.
458
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,007
- Ahem.
- Alright.
459
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,042
Seven years.
460
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,411
Maura.
461
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,414
- That's a long time.
- Yeah, I know.
462
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,585
Have you discussed
this with John?
463
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,487
Yeah, we talk about it.
464
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:57,521
[sobs]
465
00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:59,824
That's what we fight about.
466
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:00,891
He thinks I'm an--
467
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,226
Booze hag?
468
00:21:04,197 --> 00:21:05,229
Sorry.
469
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,267
- An alcoholic?
- Yes, but he's wrong.
470
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,534
Is he wrong?
471
00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:13,804
Maura, Maura, look who's here.
472
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,773
Your imaginary drinking buddy.
473
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,376
At 7:30 in the morning!
474
00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:21,512
[imitates gunfire]
475
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:23,814
You wanna be stuck with that
476
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:25,850
the rest of your life?
477
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:27,518
No.
478
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,121
Then why don't we call
the Betty White Clinic?
479
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,423
Betty Ford.
480
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,393
What?
481
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,030
I was just thinking that..
482
00:21:39,032 --> 00:21:41,299
...now would be a good
time to get some help.
483
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:43,301
Maura, there are
places you can call
484
00:21:43,303 --> 00:21:46,170
that know how to handle
this sort of thing.
485
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:49,240
Honey, I just hate
to see you so unhappy.
486
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:51,309
Yeah.
487
00:21:52,779 --> 00:21:54,979
Maybe I ought to think about it.
488
00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:57,281
Good.
489
00:21:57,283 --> 00:22:00,351
Maura, I hope you
never see me again.
490
00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:09,226
Wait, maybe it was
the Betty Boob Clinic.
491
00:22:15,635 --> 00:22:18,135
[instrumental music]
492
00:22:20,306 --> 00:22:21,439
ALF.
493
00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:23,641
Here-here's another
food catalog.
494
00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:27,878
Oh, the cheese log issue!
495
00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,781
Listen to this. It's from Maura.
496
00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,517
"Dear, Kate, since my visit
with you and your family
497
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,253
"I've started to try
and rebuild my life.
498
00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:38,689
"It's very difficult
but I found a group of people
499
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:42,393
"who are extremely supportive
so at least I'm not alone.
500
00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:44,662
"I'm even starting
to like the taste
501
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:48,032
of plain tomato juice. Ha ha."
502
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,102
I hate it when people write
in laughs like that.
503
00:22:52,238 --> 00:22:54,438
At least she didn't write
"I kill me."
504
00:22:56,442 --> 00:22:59,543
"I'm anxious to have you
all over to dinner soon.
505
00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:02,279
BYO soft drinks."
506
00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:04,448
Did she invite me?
507
00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:07,251
Oh, she didn't
mention you, Sammy.
508
00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:10,054
After all I did for her
509
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:12,256
she pretends I don't exist.
510
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,193
I'm sure she's grateful, ALF.
511
00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:17,862
But, you know,
we're the only ones
512
00:23:17,864 --> 00:23:20,064
who really know what you did.
513
00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:22,867
We owe you one.
514
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:24,402
A big one?
515
00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:25,770
A big one!
516
00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:29,039
Great! Cheese log number 37.
517
00:23:29,041 --> 00:23:30,741
Muenster Madness.
518
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:34,478
Fifty pound size, $99.95.
519
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:35,613
Ha-ha!
520
00:23:35,615 --> 00:23:38,082
She walked right into that,
didn't she?
521
00:23:38,084 --> 00:23:40,284
She certainly did.
522
00:23:40,286 --> 00:23:43,120
- Ha-ha!
- $99.95?
523
00:23:43,122 --> 00:23:45,589
It's a lot of cheese.
524
00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:48,192
Be thankful I didn't
get the Nell Carter Ball.
525
00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:49,560
[laughing]
Yeah.
526
00:23:53,399 --> 00:23:56,400
[theme music]
527
00:24:22,929 --> 00:24:24,261
Whoa!
528
00:24:24,263 --> 00:24:27,465
[instrumental music]